2005-01-02 09:25:49 UTC
dare to read this long post, expect not to understand it. It's for
those who will.
It's now January 2nd and I've had a lot of time to come up with a
virtual SK sized book of words to post on the subject of the New Year.
Instead I'll try to keep it short, but I suspect I'll fail in that.
I don't expect to post here much, if at all, in the near future, but,
even before ANYWHERE else, I thought I would post a resolution here.
First of all: My most important New Year's Resolution is to quit
smoking. Even today I've reduced my intake to a third what it was
yesterday, having smoked barely a pack of my embarrassingly usual 3
packs a day.
That, of course, has no bearing nor any interest to anyone here.
The other resolution, which I've told nobody about yet, is to try to
be...err...nicer? It's taken a few situations to recognize this fault
of mine, and nicer is definitely a direction I need to go.
I have had, for several years, ongoing conflicts with numerous people
here and elsewhere. I RESOLVE to end them. Here and now. I forgive
them their indiscretions, and I hope they'll forgive me mine, as I
know how I can be. I know I'm most certainly not above holding a
grudge, but I promise to be above it, at least in these cases, and
will try to be in all others.
There are probably a lot of people I need to ask forgiveness from, but
I'm going to list the few that come to mind first:
Tracy: I have held a single opinion you once had regarding the value
of a person's life when they wanted to die against you for several
years now. Every time you speak, that "Jump Bitch" thing seems to
come to the top of the conversation if I'm involved, in fact I've
mistreated several people mistaking them for you since the original
thread some 3 or 4 years ago. I apologize sincerely for making it
seem as though your opinion on that single subject are more important
than your opinions on others, and I promise to never bring it up
again, if I should ever speak to you again, as this type of thing
actually goes against the majority of beliefs I hold. I will never
mention it again outside of this conversation, and I most certainly
will never mention it again in the way I have too many times in the
past mentioned it...as though it mattered or bared at all on the
discussion at hand. I was...ABSOLUTELY...wrong. I'm sorry. If the
opportunity to make it up presents itself I will jump on it full
steam. I truly disrespect myself for this.
Cat: This is probably the most difficult paragraph I've ever written,
and I haven't even begun it yet. It's not like me to preface the
unwritten like that, but I truly don't know what I'm about to say,
however I'd like to make it honest, at least, regardless. I really
and truly feel you wronged me, I feel you betrayed my friendship with
you. I think you decided because I didn't like a decision you made,
or a statement you made, that this eliminated YEARS of
friendship...that's wrong, in my opinion, that simplifies the
friendship that felt so real to me. However I ALSO think I wronged
YOU, and betrayed YOU. I don't think you're strong enough,
individually, to ever be my REAL friend again, but I do apologize for
using that fact against you, I attacked you personally and harshly as
though I would never let up, and that was absolutely wrong. I promise
never to make history an issue again if I'm ever lucky enough to have
contact with you once more. You're a truly remarkable person that I
simply seem to not see eye to eye with anymore, but that doesn't
eliminate my love or respect for you. I do miss you.
And yes I realize how bad that sounds, but I can't just come out and
say "I was wrong and you were right" when I don't feel that's the
truth. I do, however, hope that Cat can see past the public politics
and recognize what I'm saying and realize that I *do* care for her.
Janet: We have had so many conversations in the past 4 years that I
don't know where to begin. I have begun conversations with you that I
didn't know how to end, and I have not responded to honest comments
you have made, because, more than any other person I might speak to on
this group, you scare me incredibly, for reasons you and the one other
person likely to read this thread might alone understand. Thank you
for being a wonderful person, and I'm so very sorry for any and every
pain I've ever caused you. And I hope you realize that nothing I've
ever said to you or about you was anything less than truthful, even if
I've never truly understood it myself. I expect I never WILL
understand it, but I KNOW I'll understand Me...And I thank you for
that, at the very least.
I resolve not to give you any miscues this year...I will put far more
thought into my words so that you'll never doubt my meaning. You're
the only person I expect a return resolution from, however: I expect
you to be brutally honest with me as well, if our friendship is to
continue. I hope it does, though. But you do need more words. :)
BTW: Happy New Year to you too...I think I forgot to respond to that
Sharon: I don't even know if you read this group anymore. I don't
owe you an apology for a lack of response because, more than anyone in
the world that I don't "see" on a regular basis, I talk to you. As
rare as it seems I do it, it's true. I trust, love, and adore you
above anyone and everyone with the exception of my bride, so,
therefore, rather than apologize to you and resolve something, I
simply have resolved to thank you for being my friend for so fucking
long. You rank so highly that nobody that ever comes toward you in a
way that I feel is untoward will ever leave unscathed. I love you
beyond all measure. Happy New Year, love, and I plan to wish you as
many more as I am alive to do so. You'll never know how important you
are to me, and I can only hope to return the favor.
Dara: Again...I don't know if you read here anymore, but I hope you
have the best year of your life in 2005, and I hope to
renew...everything...soon. I could go on for about 50 paragraphs, but
I think I must be nearing that mark by now as it is.
Mel: You know I remember you, if you still exist. You certainly do
forever, in my heart.
Lily...man...we had some talks...some times. I've spoken to your
husband and I believe...I MUST believe you're happy. I really love
you...I hope you're good...I miss you.
Icy: Yeah...I think you're WELL worth mentioning even if I'm the only
one in the world still on Usenet who remembers you for who you are.
Maybe by mentioning you I'll get lucky and you'll contact me. I have
an entire freezer full of creamisckle pies that I've been saving for
you for years. I will NEVER forget you, even though I know I'm one of
only a few people who ever appreciated you...I really, really did.
David Hendrix: I still truly respect you, and hope to talk to you
Duncan: I know you'll read this, and I left you for last on purpose.
Thank you for being civil with me when I didn't necessarily deserve
it. Our friendship has had a lot of pitfalls over quite a lot more
years than most people here might comprehend, but I RESOLVE to you, as
the last resolution I will make this year, and it's no resolution at
all, simply a statement I expect you to accept and hope that you will,
I will do my very best to be your friend again this year....I think we
are very much of a similar nature regardless of the things we've had
to deal with on opposite sides of the fence. I hope you feel that way
I'm the same man I've always been. Better, in fact, in my opinion,
than I've ever been. I know I don't always seem that way but your
point of view DOES matter to me, and I respect you a great deal.
In fact that goes for a lot of people that are going to read this
post. If you don't respond thank you, at least, for listening. :)
The long and short of it is this, AUG, I will not spend 2005 being the
person who, when posting to your group, is the inflamer. I've been
there many times in the past, but that was either intentional or, to
me, inconceivable...or...I must admit...it seems...jealousy.
However, in all the years I've been speaking my mind I've never felt
a mind so melded to my own as is this group. Even if I am no longer a
part of it it's terribly painful to feel unwelcome here and I've
nobody to blame but myself, so I resolve to become welcome, if rarely,
once again to alt.underground. I don't know if I'll post here, but I'd
like to, definitely.